I simply don't understand..

[Fading_Dream]

This will be somewhat long. Perhaps without a direct point, but I need to vent, to get it all out, and I don't know of anywhere else.

I posted here quite a bit, I think anyway, a while back when I first got my Basic card. Then it suddenly seemed like I was either ignored or I simply got rude replies.

Thats... not really the point.

I sit here and I'm just trying to answer one question going through my mind. "Am I so pathetic, is my life just so pathetic, that even in an 'age where volunteers are dwindling' that no one wants me?"

You see, when I was growing up and going through middle and high school.. into adulthood.. I wasn't the nicest person in the world. No one was ever polite to me simply because of how I looked. Everything I did, every tiny bit of friendship or respect I worked for and I had to do it by myself. Then one day something happened that I just can't explain. "God's calling." "Waking up to the real world." "Coming to my senses." whatever you want to call it, it happened. I was suddenly faced with the fact that.. not everyone was like the people I went to school with.

Thus I joined my local volunteer squad and entered my EMT-Basic class. Some didn't think I'd make it because I didn't seem too interested at first. The truth was I was just shy around the people in that class because most of them were overconfident and obnoxious. Time passed. I got my card. I started running.. and the person I was running with didn't want me.

I know why he didn't. I'm not like him. I don't have confidence in my skills bordering into overconfidence like he does. I simply don't know how to operate with him because he's the type that wants you to do everything he says, his way is the right way. He complained that I never got in and did anything. Its rather difficult when he and the third person you're with hop out of the truck and run into the house and you're sent to the back to get equipment and never know whats really going on with that patient because you miss the initial assesment and getting to ask those first questions. It puts me at a loss in the back and what makes it even worse is that he tries to run the back from the front while driving.

So for me that was no big loss.

So I tried another night. I come to find out... I wasn't welcome there either. The guy in charge (a driver, no longer an emt) that night had been complaining about the guy who was running with him. You couldn't depend that he would be there. But.. I get a call yesterday and find out that they don't "need" me (which has been the polite way of saying "I don't want you" so far.) because the other EMT I was running with that night had two other people that wanted to run with him. One was the guy who wasn't dependable and the other.. was someone the other EMT ran with on ANOTHER night.

Why do they need two nights?

I've begun to wonder if going through my Intermediate class and entering into the Paramedic this January is a waste of my time. I've really enjoyed my Intermediate class. Its been people I can get along with, people I enjoy being around. We'll all be going to the Paramedic part together and I've been looking forward to that.

But.. whats the point if no one wants to run with me?

I don't know what I do to make people this way. I try my hardest. I try my best. I might spend a few seconds more thinking about something but I'm only trying to do whats best for my patient. I don't want to rush something and end up doing something harmfull. Even at the place I used to work people would find some little thing to complain about until it seemed no one liked me, then I was let go because of an injury... even though my doctor said I would be perfectly able to do my job again. It was just their excuse...

All that I've found I want to do is help people. The majority of the people I used to work with would laugh at that statement, perhaps some of you may as well. But.. its the truth. I love EMS. I don't know what I would do if I couldn't be an EMT. I love it that much, even now as it seems that I'm going to have to let it go I just feel that I can't.

I don't know what I'm looking for by posting this. Not pity. I'm not looking for attention. I suppose I simply needed to talk about it as it seems my life is crumbling around me, because.. I made EMS my life.

I don't know how many will read this. I just hope that those of you who do remember it when you're with a new EMT and that it.. helps you.. maybe.. to be more patient and willing to teach.

I had one person like that.. and even he wasn't enough against the people who simply.. don't want me.

Thank you for reading.. I feel a little better now that I've talked about it..

[WHFD322]

I think what fading dream described is, believe it or not, normal. The reason that many paramedics appear overconfident is due to conquering feelings of inferiority. I am a veteran in a large ems system and I felt that way. You might not think that if you met me. I however have treated peoplelike I would like to be treated. An ems system can take a nice person and usually make a paramedic out of him but you can't always make a nice person out of a paramedic. I read a quote off of a bulletin board that one of my very old/wise mentors had over his desk. It said that "you can judge a person by how he treats somebody that is of no use for personal gain". I think that this is true. Don't let others crush your dreams or intimidate you. Be strong and finish paramedic school. You owe that to yourself. Good luck and God bless you.

[WHFD322]

One other thing. Do NOT make ems your life. Just make it part of your life. Trust me. You will be much happier.

[LadyCapn]

Fading_Dream,

Does your course provide feedback forums to be filled out by the crews? If so, then maybe you can find some insight there.

I would discuss this problem with my course instructor. I'm not sure how your EMT courses etc work there but here you are required to perform x amount of hours in clinical that is evaluated by those you ride with and the school monitors your progress. If there is a problem with you, then the preceptors with the local Ambulance services should be providing that feedback to your course instructor.

If you feel comfortable doing so, talk to the crews. ALthough it's hard, sometimes we need a shot of reality in order to truly see ourselves as others do. Don't do it in a confrontational way. Take one aside, tell him what you have noticed and ask if there is anything he/she feels you can improve upon in order to be the best medic you can be and worthy of running with the best...........them!! (I know, it's sucking up but hey, you gotta get your time in!! lol)

Look deeply into yourself. Ask yourself some pretty hard truthful questions. Only when you can answer them yourself can you expect others to answer them as well.

Good luck and hang tough. <img src="smile.gif" border="0">

[IAMedic]

Keep your head up. Finish your paramedic and move, if you can. Start looking around for places that you would like to live and have a full-time EMS system with paramedics. Unfortunately, some people are not welcome in their communities, and this may be your case for whatever reason. Maybe, you are one of those people that "just rub everyone the wrong way". I have known a few of those people, and have tried to overlook those points about them. I have even become good friends with one of those people. She rubbed me wrong in every way. Then, thank the lord, I realized it wasn't her fault, it was mine. We are really good friends now, but she is the type of person, that you really have to get to know to understand and no one wants to take the time to get to know her because she can be "standoffish". I am not saying that you are like this person, however, while reading your post, this is what I was thinking about. I don't know your situation, you, or your coworkers, so I don't know what else to recommend. This is only one side of the story, and I am taking it for face value. But, I would recommend you look at yourself, see if there may be personality conflicts with others and try to work on those. Otherwise, you may have to move to to find a home that you will be accepted. I wish you the best of luck!! You have a long road ahead of you and you eventually will find someplace where you feel comfortable. <img src="smile.gif" border="0">

[Fading_Dream]

Thank you for the replies.

There's no form I can fill out. There's nothing really that I can do. My classes are at night and that leaves me with limited days that I can volunteer on. The people who control the money, and thus run the show, only care if they have squad coverage.. not if everyone gets a chance. Sadly the chief isn't one of these people or I'd have a chance, the title chief is pretty much just someone to use as a scapegoat or to have do the dirty work.

I'm begining to think that if I pass my Paramedic I will have to leave. I don't want to, I love this area. I have two faults that I know I need to work on.. I just wonder if it would be easier elsewhere.

[ 11-30-2001: Message edited by: Fading_Dream ]</p>

[gah74]

I have a sneaking suspicion that this problem has as much to do with you as it does with anyone else. I only know you from two posts on a computer bulletin board and I don't want to ride with you.

In one post you spilled out baggage from middle and high school about not being nice and no one liking you. Apparently, you carried this through EMT-B school and now have it with you on runs. From the tone of your posts, I would suspect that you have made yourself so defensive that you probably are difficult to (1) actually get to know, and (2) enjoy riding with.

The problems you describe with aggresiveness and confidence are nothing new. All new EMT's go through it to one degree or another. You making it a personal issue is going to be a problem. LadyCapn gives you good advice and you pretty much respond with "there's nothing I can do." Form or not, you can walk in there with some confidence (even if it's pretend) and ask them what you can do to improve...and ask specifically if you can try some of the initial assessments. Tell them to go fetch equipment or better yet, bring what you think you'll need in the first time.

[Fading_Dream]

So.. if I attempt to give some background about why I got into this I get bashed?

I will say that I'm more defensive than I am now because when I did open up with those I rode with, and not about any problems from my past, most of the stuff I talked about became jokes.. no.. insults behind my back.

How defensive would you get if every single little thing about you was complained about to people above you and spread around in the form of insults, and not the friendly joking around kind.

I was shy in my Basic class, so all of my problems stem from that? I'm guessing thats what you're trying to tell me. Heaven forbid someone not be outgoing and the life of the party right off the bat with strangers.

Truth is.. gah74.. I wouldn't want to ride with you either, especially if you judge me without even knowing me and don't even give me a chance.

I've worked on a few problems that I found out about, but nothing was ever good enough.

I'm me. I will always be me. I can't change for someone else. Though if I could change one thing it would be that I had more foresight.. so I wouldn't have vented in my first message. I needed to talk and I suppose I chose the wrong place to do it.

[ 11-30-2001: Message edited by: Fading_Dream ]</p>

[gah74]

Fading Dream...No....by giving us background, you indicated a pattern in your life of people not liking you since you were in middle school. What I'm suggesting is...if at this point in your life these same problems of no one liking you are going on, the problem may be something you are doing.

[Fading_Dream]

At the risk of turning everything more childish than it is already..

The type of dislike I was talking about was the standard childhood cruelties that are talked about on Oprah or Ricky Lake when she does the "If you could see me now" specials.

Its a depression right now that I just need to get out of, disappointment, frustration. I can't say that everyone of them doesn't like me. I had at least one partner at where I used to work that liked me well enough we did 24's together in a satelite station by ourselves, so I must've been doing something right if she never complained about me.

It all seems pointless anymore.. originally I just needed to get some frustration off my chest and this was the first place that came to mind.. now it all seems very childish.. more "did not, did too" accusations ..

[IAMedic]

You do seem depressed and I hope that you are not taking these posts out of context. I hope that you realize the world does not hate you and that you do things right on occasion. It sounds as if you are having a bad day and hopefully after a good night's rest, everything will become clearer and you will feel better. However, if you wake up depressed or even more depressed, I would encourage you to speak to your agency's therapist, if you have one. If not, make an appt immediately w/ a therapist or psychologist. This does not mean that you are an idiot or loser, it just means that you need outside help to help you deal with these emotional issues going on in your life right now. This kind of thing can have a dramatic outcome, and I hope you aren't in your cycle deep enough to where you don't realize this. Good Luck and take care....

[570eck]

I'm not a shrink by any means but it does sound as if your depressed. Seems like it started a while ago and has carried on into your current life. EMS can be depressing enough without bringing extra baggage into it. I can only think that you are the problem with the ride alongs because I know that I don't like being around depressed/depressing people which pretty much are one in the same. The way you present yourself has everything to do with how you are perceived and if you go in with no/little confidence which it again seems like you have, that will show and paragods and whatever term is used for ****y emt.s, eat that s**t up. And finaly this is not the field for thin skin. Also as stated above don't make ems your life just a part of it. From what you've posted it seems like your pretty new to the bussiness and I'm guessing have not seen alot, someday you are gonna see something that bugs you alot, make sure you're ready for it. Stop worrying about what people think, train, build your skills, get some confidence, than it will show, it will show you know what your doing, maybe you'll get to the point where people will want to ride with you and not have to wonder does this person know what they are doing.

[Fading_Dream]

Adler, 570;

Actually, I do believe I am depressed. I agree with you wholeheartedly. Though, every day that I wake up it gets increasingly worse. There have been several events that lead up to that post and in some way or another they all seem to stem with me getting discouraged in one form or another.

Maybe it IS me. I wish I knew because I've found I love this field so very much, if I didn't I think I would've left a while back. I certainly would be leaving now but it seems to be something.. very hard to give up becaue I want to succeed in it so badly.

I've begun considering seeing someone, but I don't have the money at this point. I was injured several months ago and even with the doctor saying I could do my job my boss was still going to demote me to someplace I didn't want to be, sitting with wheelchairs, so I left and I'm waiting until I get on somewhere else.

The initial shock was, and still is, devestating when I was told I wouldn't be allowed to do what I wanted to do. From then on.. everything has simply gone downhill. I feel I lost my primary chance to prove myself, and as I said, everyday it seems like it gets worse.

I know that when I go in there they'll offer me anti-depressants. I'm afraid of that. I'm afraid of becoming dependant on them and becoming some of the very people I've held down in the ER.

I really.. don't know what to do. I wasn't thinking clearly with the initial post, I suppose I was reeling from the shock of that phone call about volunteering. Now I'm thinking clearly.. but all I feel is an extreme sense of helplessness..

[Ohiovolffemtp]

Fading Dream,<br />You should be able to reduce your worry about becoming addicted to anti-depressants by doing some research on them. There are many currently available, e.g. Paxil and Zoloft, which work by helping the body maintain a higher seratonin level. Seratonin is a substance found naturally in the body which helps it maintain a more "up" outlook. These drugs are not addictive, are commonly used, and are very safe. They're often prescribed as an adjunct to "talking" therapy, i.e. counselling. The rationale is that the drugs help the patient get out of the rut they're in and make it easier for them to work with the therapist on the root cause of their problems. It's not uncommon for folks to be on these meds for 6 months or so.

This is a very simplified overview. Please talk to a professional in this area and get a thorough understanding. Hope this helps you get started.

[firemedic53]

First of all don't get fixated on what the kids in middle school thought - human children can be one of the nastiest species on earth, even if their parents do think they're cute. You say that you get along well with the people in your "I" class, so you can get along with people. The problems you are describing have nothing to do with EMS. Talk to a professional and don't worry about getting addicted to anti-depressants. If you worked for me I'd have you in EAP tomorrow..... <br /> And a little advice from someone who's done this for a while. It's a great job, and I'm sure it's a great avocation for a volunteer. But you need to have other interests, whether it's sports or reading or church. It doesn't matter what; just something to contrast with fire/EMS because you can definitely get too much of a good thing. There are days when you have to put on a football game, open a beer and shut off your pager/beeper/scanner etc. and let someone else do it. <br /> Anyway, that's just my opinion but really, talk to someone about this depression....it's fixable. And take care.

[Fading_Dream]

I learn something everday. <img src="smile.gif" border="0"> We never coveres seratonin or anything like that in the anatomy and physiology class we had to take before entering the Medic program.

I promise that I'll try, but money is kind of tight right now.

Thanks for the help..

[EMT832]

I will try to give you some helpful advice.<br />You were somewhat hesitant to say exactly it is that people seem to dislike or have a problem with you, so this is based on what I read.<br />In order to be a good EMT, you need to be confident in your abilities. There are allot of A-holes in the world. Try to avoid them. If you know of someone giving you a hard time or making fun of you- confront them. Sometimes it will be difficult to find a partner that you work well with. I must admit that i try to avoid working with some other people, but i always try to tell them how they can improve so we work as a team. EMS is a team effort, you need at least two people on a crew. <br />As some of our peers suggested, you might want to seek the help of a shrink for your problems. <br />If you love EMS, more power to you.<br />Good luck!

[RoryEl]

Just a couple of thoughts. First, take a deep breath. Next, learn about (RET) Rational Emtoive Therapy. It will give you a sound footing upon which to guage your prespective of your interactions. I suspect you'll be surprised at what you discover. Third, there are several classes of antidepressants that your doc can prescribe. Some have been around for years and are not nearly as costly as the newer scripts. FYI, you were talking about serotonin reuptake inhibitors earlier. Take care of yourself, continue with your education, find meaning in life outside of your work, and only share where its appropriate and safe to do so. Good luck.

[soontobe-emtp]

Dear Fading_Dream:

I struggle sometimes with certain people who run in the volly dept with me. I have come to realize that if I do the best I can, I cannot control what they think or feel about me. If they have questions about my skills, I will find out what I can do to improve. If it is about me as a person, I will do a soul search and see if I need to change. If, after praying and searching, I feel I am doing what God would have me do or being how He would have me be, I let it go and pass the ball back to them and make it their problem, not mine.

I have a question for you. Do you go to church? Is there a faith-based organization you can turn to for counseling before you try anti-depressants? I am not saying not to go on them. I myself had to take them for a while after the death of my father-in-law a few years ago. I got to the point where I didn't need them anymore and quit taking them. I would suggest that you try to find a counselor at your local church and see if they can refer you to someone who can do an assessment to see what kind of help you need. I have found more comfort in my Jesus than anywhere else. Find someone who can introduce you to Jesus if you don't know Him. If you would like to email me, feel free to do so.

EMTWANNABE